A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting Together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
I have two sons, ages 8 & 4, and they were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?"
And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."
Stan Buck tells the story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?
The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"
"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.
"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"
Again the mother replied, "Yes."
"Well," said the girl. "if God is bigger that us and he lives in us, wouldn't he show through?"
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger
out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,
right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of
Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin'
somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups
doin"?
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"
Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?"
As the children walked forward, several parents responded "yes."
One quick-witted father said, "for how long?"
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was the First Baptist Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."
Mysterious Commandment Solved!
My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant. With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."
Little Johnny's new baby brother was crying and screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd baby brother come from?"
His mother replied, "Heaven, Johnny. He came from heaven."
After listening to his baby brother's whailing for another few seconds Johnny shot back, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out"
[From the Kid Report. Copyright 1999 by Chris White
To subscribe write: kidreport@topfive.com ]
A friend of mine has four boys and a little girl. They range in
age from 7 to four months. One time, I was watching the four boys
and it was time for bed. Ryan, who is four, really didn't like the
idea of going to bed, so I let him stay up a while. Finally, I
decided that this child had to get to bed or he would be an
absolute grump the next day.
I took him into his room, put him in bed, and sat on the edge of
the bed with him. I asked him if it would help if we said a
prayer, and he said yes. I asked him if *he* wanted to say the
prayer, and he said "No, Kendra, you know how to pray, I don't
need to show you." I got a chuckle out of that, so I said the
prayer, saying something like, "Dear God, thank you for this day.
Thank you for all our blessings, please watch over all of us as
we sleep. Please look over Christopher, Adam, Ryan, Zachary,
Elizabeth, Mommy and Daddy..."
Ryan suddenly inturrupted by tapping me on the shoulder. He sat
up and said in all seriousness, "We don't pray for old people!"
A young boy was being taught the story of Sodom and Gamorrah one morning in Sunday School. The teacher was explaining how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
The story evidently sat well with the boy because he excitedly raised his hand at the conclusion of the story and told his teacher, "My mom did the same thing last week. She was driving down the road, looked back, and turned into a telephone pole."
When my daughter was five, one Sunday as were leaving church she was saying: "Ah-men, ah-men!" I looked at her, and she complained, "Why don't we ever say ah-women?"
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway."
Introducing the Pastor
The local pastor was making a visit to a family in the neighborhood. He knocked on the door, and a little four- year-old boy answered the door. The child, recognizing the pastor, yells over his shoulder, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
I am a pastor and father of two children. The day before we were to attend a cousin's high school graduation, I thought I'd prepare the kids, knowing how fidgety they can get.
"Graduations are sometimes long, boring events," I said. "I want you guys to behave and not ask constantly when it's going to be over."
"Don't worry, Dad. We'll live," my daughter replied. "We last through all your sermons, don't we?"
When my brother, Ted, was about two years old, my parents took him to his first communion. Before the service, my mom explained to him that everything would be really quiet, and one by one, the people would go to the front of the church. There, she told him, each person would eat a little cracker and drink a little grape juice. She carefully explained to Ted what the little cracker and the juice represented.
With fingers crossed, my parents led Ted into the church. He promptly broke away from them, ran half-way down an aisle and yelled, "WHAR’S DA KOOL-AID?!?"
[From the Kid Report. Copyright 1999 by Chris White
To subscribe write: kidreport@topfive.com ]
Today's kid report comes from Bob Garman of Merced, CA...
One Sunday, my parents were taking me to church, an activity
that I despised, being a hyper little soul.
On the way there, I tried every trick I could think of to get
them to go somewhere other than the intended house of worship.
I even offered to use my allowance to buy breakfast for the
family. (That fact that I only got 50 cents a week at the time
may have hurt my chances of bribing my way out of holiness.)
Finally, I resorted to flat-out begging to go somewhere else.
My mother responded," Do you want to go to God's house, or to
the Devil's house?"
I replied, "Can't we go to someone else's house?"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, all dressed for Church entered the room. "Dad ?" he said, "I have a question." "What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing his eyes from the screen. "When am I going to be old enuff not to go to Church either ?"
A young girl once confessed to her priest that she thought she was guilty of the sin of pride. She said, "When I look in the mirror, I think I am beautiful. "The priest said, "That's not a sin, that's a mistake."
---Rev. James Whitcomb Brougher, Sr.
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.B
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a babysitter."
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya.
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A Port Angeles pastor announced that the scripture for the day would be from Micah. From the congregation came the small voice of a 4-year-old, "Who - me?" - Peninsula Daily News, September 3, 1999
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
A preacher was telling his Bible class the story of the Prodigal Son and wishing to emphasize the disagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he laid especial stress on this phrase of the parable. After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.
"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.
"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
My parents were rather religious, and at one point in time they purchased a statue of the Virgin Mary to place in a flower garden in their yard. Shortly thereafter the neighbor boy, who was about five years old at the time, came over and inquired as to who the statue was supposed to be. My dad explained that it was a statue of Mary, the mother of Jesus, at which point the kid indignantly asked, "How come you got to bury her in YOUR yard?"
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God", the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." She thought about this for a moment, then asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time too?" "Yes, dear, He hears every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility when she asked: "Then which does God believe?"